So Close to Being the Sh*t, Y'all Don't Even Know by Marietta "Retta" Sirleaf

Author:Marietta "Retta" Sirleaf
Language: eng
Format: mobi, azw3
Published: 2018-05-10T14:00:00+00:00

Chapter Eleven

Ginuwine Isn’t Really My Cousin

Life can change on a dime.

I was killing it on the college circuit, working nonstop, when the worst tragedy in American history went down. September 11. The economy tanked and, along with it, so did my stand-up touring schedule. My bread and butter, my bookings, slowed down dramatically. I had bills to pay. Back in LA, I auditioned for whatever came my way and tried to get into as many rooms as possible with studios, producers, and networks in the hopes of getting another holding deal or a development deal. But the competition was stiff out there. It was hard to stand out in the crowd. It felt like I was being lumped in with one group—funny black female—and the powers that be were making no effort to discern the differences between us. You’ve heard the phrase, “They all look alike?” Well, apparently, we all WERE alike. I can’t tell you how many parts I went out for and lost to Wanda Sykes. Now, I’m funny and Wanda is funny, but we are NOT the same. There were even times when casting directors and producers auditioned actresses, including me, while they waited to hear if she had accepted their offer. This happens all the time. I am in no way special when it comes to this sort of thing. But when it got really heartbreaking was when I went in to pitch a show to a network and they were like, “What’s it about?”

“Well, I’m a judge…”

“Um, before you go any further, Wanda Sykes just pitched a show where she’s a judge. Sorry.”

Gaahhhhhd damn! Is this trick gon’ take erry job? What are ya gonna do. Wanda was HOT! And everyone wanted her. I don’t begrudge anyone their success. I love Wanda, as well as most of the women I’ve met out on the “African American women who are funny” audition circuit. I’d heard horror stories about actresses trying to sabotage you during auditions. Talking really loud in the waiting room so you can’t focus, or trying to intimidate other actresses by walking out of the room and saying things like, “Oof, good luck with that one!” I gotta say, that shit would definitely have worked on me. But I didn’t find it to be cutthroat. I think that passive-aggressive behavior is what the average thin white girl going in for the myriad parts available to them goes through. That is the struggle of the could-be ingénue. There are so many jobs for them, but still way too many of them.

Black actresses are different. I’ve found that they are very supportive. When you see them at an audition, they’re like, “Hey, girl!” “Kill it.” “Do your thing, mamma!” At my very first sitcom audition, Sherri Shepherd was in the room. We’d never met before, and I told her it was my first audition and that I was nervous. She was like, “Don’t be nervous. Go in there and do what you want to do. Stick with your choices.

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